The Balance Between Niceness and Kindness: Key Insights from Growth Leadership Workshop

In a recent Growth Leadership workshop that I conducted, Mr. Christanto Suryadama, Sales Vice President of ZEBRA and a respected thought leader, shared valuable insights on the difference between “niceness” and “kindness” and how these two qualities impact both workplace and human relationships. While often used interchangeably, niceness and kindness have significant distinctions that can affect leadership effectiveness, team dynamics, and the overall success of objectives.

Let’s find out more.

Understanding Niceness and Its Pitfalls

Niceness is often rooted in the desire to be liked by others. People who prioritize niceness may avoid confrontation, sidestep difficult conversations, and ultimately become what we know as “people-pleasers.” While they may succeed in maintaining a positive atmosphere, they might struggle to address issues or set necessary boundaries. In workplace settings, this can lead to unproductive situations:

• Avoidance of Constructive Criticism: Nice people may hesitate to offer feedback, fearing it might hurt someone’s feelings. However, without constructive feedback, team members lose the opportunity for growth.
• Missed Accountability: People-pleasers often find it hard to hold others accountable. When tasks aren’t completed or standards aren’t met, their niceness may prevent them from addressing these issues head-on.
• Potential Burnout: The pressure to be agreeable to everyone can lead to mental and emotional strain. This not only hampers productivity but can result in resentment if others begin to take advantage of this niceness.

While niceness may create a pleasant environment, the inability to confront issues often results in inefficiencies and unresolved conflicts, which may harm both individual and team performance.

Kindness: The Empathetic Yet Effective Approach

On the other hand, kindness goes beyond superficial agreeableness and focuses on having genuine empathy while being able to assertively address issues. Kindness is not about avoiding discomfort; rather, it’s about showing respect and understanding while also maintaining accountability and clear communication. This quality has powerful implications for effective leadership and workplace relationships:

• Encouraging Growth through Honest Feedback: Kindness allows leaders and colleagues to offer constructive feedback with respect and empathy. When delivered from a place of kindness, feedback is more likely to be accepted positively and lead to personal and professional growth.
• Setting Boundaries and Upholding Standards: A kind approach doesn’t mean compromising on standards. Leaders can demonstrate kindness by upholding high expectations, providing support, and encouraging team members to reach their potential without overstepping boundaries.
• Fostering Resilience and Trust: Kindness fosters resilience in individuals and trust within teams. When people know they’re respected, they’re more likely to engage with tasks and face challenges with greater confidence, creating a culture of mutual respect and accountability.

Implications for the Workplace

In a workplace setting, the difference between niceness and kindness is crucial. Leaders who embody kindness, rather than niceness, create environments where team members feel both valued and challenged. Such leaders can inspire trust, drive results, and cultivate growth among their teams. They demonstrate empathy but are also clear about expectations and can make tough decisions when necessary.

Here’s how a culture of kindness (not niceness) can positively impact the workplace:

1. Improved Communication: Clear, honest communication is essential for a functional workplace. With kindness as the focus, leaders and team members feel comfortable discussing challenges and offering feedback without fear of upsetting others.
2. Higher Productivity and Morale: Teams led by kind leaders are often more engaged and productive. Knowing that their leader genuinely cares but also expects results helps employees stay motivated and strive for high performance.
3. Healthy Work-Life Boundaries: Kind leaders recognize the importance of balance and are more likely to support employees in setting boundaries, ultimately leading to better morale and reduced burnout.

Enhancing Human Relationships with Kindness

In human relationships, the choice between niceness and kindness has equally powerful implications. Kindness allows us to respect and value others without compromising our own needs and goals. In family or friendships, being kind rather than nice can mean engaging in meaningful discussions, addressing conflicts when necessary, and creating relationships built on trust rather than obligation.

Ultimately, while niceness may seem appealing, it often lacks the depth and integrity needed for strong, enduring relationships. Kindness, on the other hand, fosters relationships where everyone involved feels seen, supported, and understood, all while promoting personal growth and fulfillment.

IDENTI3 Profiling is one of the rare tool that measures Empathy, a trait associated with kindness. Get your IDENTI3 and see if you are just being nice or are you really kind.

Conclusion: Choosing Kindness for Long-Lasting Impact

As Mr. Suryadama articulated, kindness is the bridge between empathy and effectiveness. Leaders and team members alike can benefit from embracing kindness in their interactions—balancing genuine care with the drive to fulfill responsibilities. In doing so, they foster work cultures and personal relationships that not only bring out the best in each person but also support collective growth and resilience.

In our workplaces and personal lives, prioritizing kindness over niceness is a choice that may require courage and vulnerability, but it ultimately creates a more meaningful, productive, and positive environment for everyone involved.

Results from the IDENTI3 Leadership Training

Now, back to the Growth Leadership workshop that I conducted, how did it go?

• The overall satisfaction of the training is 92%
• Before the workshop, the learners said their understanding of themselves to be 4.1 out of 10. 
• After the workshop, the respondents said their understanding of themselves to be 6.1. This is a 49% improvement. 
• Before the workshop, the learners said their understanding of their teammates to be 2.3 out of 10. 
• After the workshop, the respondents said their understanding of their teammates to be 5.2. This is a 126% improvement. 

About the Author

For close to 20 years, Jace Tan has been working with Leaders, Managers and HR by using People Analytics to identify talents, plan strategically and align business goals. He has conducted personality profiling of more than 10,000 people, helping them to understand their strengths and how they can improve specific areas not clear to them. His extensive experience in the different job functions, industries and corporate structures, has imbued him with an in-depth knowledge of organizational and individual needs.